Welcome folks to the latest musings of a blind man. This week’s edition is all about the impact of keeping up a brave face when deep inside you’re having a tough time!

Last week was a mixture of highs and lows which, with this week being Mental Health Awareness Week seems appropriate to highlight to show the impact behaviours and actions has on the mental health of others. But more on that to come. As I said, there were a few instances that show just how much there is to do before disabled people truly feel equal when going about our daily lives.

After Monday’s washed out fayre, we were back to business as usual on Tuesday with work and physiotherapy to continue building up the strength in my knee. We also had two days in work including an overnight stay not far from the office. There are many challenges going about you daily life when you can’t see particularly well and these can be made all the more anxiety-inducing when service providers have not been suitably trained in their responsibilities. A case in point was in the run up to Wednesday’s overnight stay when the hotel contacted me to advise of a fee to cover the additional cleaning costs due to me having Chester. Now, when I made the reservation, I noted that I would have a guide dog with me. This is not actually something I am obliged to do, but it just makes my life easier if I give advance notice. Under the Equality Act, it is unlawful for service providers such as taxi drivers and hotels to apply additional fees for assistance dogs. This is because these animals are not pets but are working animals, essentially providing a service to their handlers to enable us to live independent lives. Sadly many service providers do not seem to be aware of the regulations and will either refuse access entirely or will attempt to apply unnecessary charges.

Tempting as it is to immediately jump on the offensive, in these circumstances, it is often unfair to take your frustration out on the front line individuals – quite often, the fault is on the organisation for not sufficiently training their staff on their obligations. In this particular instance, once I had given some information from the Equality and Human Rights Commission, they immediately committed to removing the fee and apologised and I have to say, they were exceptional when we arrived on Wednesday evening after a long day at the office. It helped that they gave us one of their larger suites so Chester had plenty of room to spread out with all his toys and it didn’t feel like we were on top of each other.

For dinner, we popped down the road to a nearby pub and sat in the garden watching the planes take off from Farnborough Airport before taking a leisurely wonder back to the hotel to settle down for the night. Once back in the room, Chester had the last of his food in a giant wobble Kong and then spotted the bones in the fridge so kept nudging me until I eventually relented and gave him one. He has always been quite nervous in new places so the nerves start to build as we get closer to bed time but I nededn’t have worried because, once I turned the lights out, Chester just curled up at the foot of the bed and settled down to sleep until 6am when he woke me with a single bark to say he needed to spend.

The following day was an all-day training session starting at 9am so we got downstairs to enjoy a leisurely breakfast before our taxi arrived. Ironically, one thing that can be quite uncomfortable is when people are overly accommodating. At breakfast the host warmly welcomed us in and made a point of advising that normally dogs were not allowed, but Chester was welcome. I am sure this was not meant as anything other than to promote that Chester was welcome in the hotel but this type of overtly positive comment makes me so uncomfortable. I would much prefer for people to simply show me to my table like they would anybody else (and possibly bring a water bowl for Chester).

The course was the first of three cohorts and so we have some more stays over the coming weeks and I am sure that as our presence gets more familiar, everyone will be much more relaxed with us which should hopefully help with any other assistance dog users in the future.

All in all, the course itself was really positive and Chester was a welcome addition to the group. He had his spot in the corner where I put his settle mat, a bowl of water and a few of his favourite toys and while everyone was arriving and getting settled, I gave him a frozen Kong to munch on. Throughout the day, Chester mostly satisfied himself with lying by my feet but every now and again, he would work the room to see what other people had to offer, popping his head between some of the other delegates and inviting a head scratch or two. Throughout the day, he was the perfect example of a well-behaved assistance dog and so once we got home, he was rewarded with a massive welcome from Ozzy and an extra-large treat!

After such a busy few days, I was due to join the Berkshire Vision team at the local craft brewery, Double Barrelled for their charity quiz. It was only right that Chester have the night off and so I grabbed Tim, my smaller street cane and headed out to meet them. The quiz was a great evening and the raffle and quiz raised some useful funds for the charity. I may have scared the quiz master during the bullseye round as I strode up, cane in hand to take my shot but he quickly composed and helped to sight me to the board (and I even managed to hit treble-top).

So with the rollercoaster of the week, I was looking forward to letting my hair down over the weekend starting with a leisurely swim. Due to the pool getting busier, a circuit system has been introduced but, because there are no formal lanes, we all agreed it was safest that I continue to swim along the side. Typically, this works without any issues, a member of staff guides me to the side and, as I am getting myself set, will inform anybody else in the area to be aware as I swim. Saturday however was a different story as another swimmer was insistent on swimming the designated route at breakneck speed, swerving out of my way at the last minute forcing me to stop and reset every few lengths. Now, we are all entitled to swim our own swims but in a busy pool with lots of other people around, it is important to be a good Neighbour and be mindful of others so we can all enjoy the facilities. There is an argument that I should only swim at quieter times but I would counter that by asking how you would feel being asked to swim at a designated time simply because you have blonde hair, blue eyes or are a woman.

These examples seem extreme, but disabled people have as much right to go about our daily lives unimpeded as everyone else and the impact the actions of others has on our mental health can be enormous. In Saturday’s circumstances, I decided it was not worth the potential physical harm and anxiety and ended up stopping after 15 lengths where I spent the next 10 minutes unwinding in the hot tub and chatting to a lovely couple from Cardiff about the history of the pool before going to get changed. It wasn’t as if I didn’t try to have a word with the guy but every time we were both at the same end he simply tumble-turned and was on his way again so it was just easier to give up. I raised my concerns to the reception team and I am sure they would have reminded him to be mindful of others next time.

In situations like these, it is so easy to want to curl up in a ball and shut out the world but that is the worst thing we can do. We are faced with so many barriers to living a normal life that if we were to do that each time we had a set back then nothing would change. The problem is how tiring it is to be constantly fighting for what others take for granted and what we deserve as much as the next person. People with disabilities are almost twice as likely as those without disabilities to have anxiety, depression or other mental health issues and people with visual impairments are up to four times more likely. The cause for these issues will be extremely personal, for me, they have been for many reasons including feelings of isolation, frustration from the ever changing visual spectrum I have, guilt for having to rely on others much more than before. All these self-inflicted ableisms are difficult to contend with, but they are nothing compared to the feelings of the outside world conspiring to purposefully make my life more difficult. Within the same moment, I want to both shout from the rooftop and hide in the corner and this conflict inside is enough to tear me apart. Instances like the ones above take days, if not weeks, to overcome and time is most definitely a healer but each new occurrence, be it an access refusal, an inaccessible website, an unreadable restaurant menu, or another person’s actions, will be added to the ever-growing list of things to be nervous about putting me in a constant neurotic state.

There are obviously things that I do to ease the stress – taking the dogs for a free run over the woods, finding a quiet corner with a coffee and my pen, scrolling through reams of Instagram reels, ranting at Kath or going for a swim; so when one of those stress-busters suddenly gets added to the list of triggers I can’t help but feel a little bit down in the dumps. It is obviously impossible to put on a brave face 100% of the time and we all have down days. The important thing is to find ways to get as far away from those dark and morbid corners of my psyche. It may take me a little while to get back to my A-game but right now I have my little Sunburst Saviour curled up beside me and he always knows when there’s something not quite right. His waggy tail and soulful eyes are always there to bring me hope and with this guy by my side there really is no way I can hide inside, especially when he gets so excited each and every time I sit down to put my shoes on.

So yet again, I resolve to climb back out of the doldrums I find myself in, safe in the knowledge that sunnier days are only around the corner and the actions of the past week will soon be distant memories.

In the meantime, I will remind myself of the cliché “it is ok not to be ok” and keep on strolling.

With that in mind, I wish you all a safe and pleasant week.

Thanks for reading

Chris – Blind Man with a Backpack